Santana" - Mosquitoes & Malaria, M&M’s

So here I am using a laptop to type up this post. I hate laptop keyboards, what the fuck is with them anyway. I seem to have hit the backspace key more than the amount of words that I typed. Annoying, really annoying. They are insensitive and uncomfortably placed, its just so dumb. If they could spend all that money on researching thin LCD monitors and shitty touch pads, WHY THE FUCK CAN’T THEY MAKE A BETTER KEYBOARD.

I hate mosquitoes, they are really lame. What the fuck do those assholes want, I don’t mind letting you suck some of my blood, I don’t even mind having malaria. I’m sure most people wouldn’t mind losing a couple millilitres of blood, you want it? Sure, take it. But why the fuck do you have to give me a HUGE fucking RED AND ITCHY LUMP! Are you an asshole or what.

I was studying malaria the in biology class the other day, to be honest I don’t really think malaria is that bad. For the poor people that couldn’t afford antibiotics to cure it? Yeah, I mean that sucks for them, I really do feel sympathetic for those people. Honest, no sarcasm. I just think it would feel pretty shit if you died from malaria. Just the sheer fact that you got FUCKED OVER by a mosquito pretty much sucks more donkey cock. I would feel totally raped if I died from malaria -

- anybody else that could afford malaria treatment and died from malaria probably would feel the same way too. Not only did some son of a bitch steal your blood and give a an itchy lump, it also gave you a pussy ass CURABLE disease and you subsequently died from it. That’s got to fucking suck so hard, it’s not like you get raped once and the rapists kills you, but the rapist actually rips you off by sealing your wallet and then raping your TWICE before he leaves you alone for the STD to kill you. Holy shit.

Lets just say some dumbass you know died from malaria, here is why you shouldn’t feel sorry for him although it seems like such a shitty way to die. (just assume it’s a guy for now, I don’t like typing the he/she bullshit, fuck being politically correct)

This is a very probable scenario of how this dumbass managed to die from malaria. This starts off right after this idiot realizes that he got bitten:

“Oh shit! I just got bitten. I’m in a country where malaria is a known issue, I know its a life threatening disease if it’s not treated. But I think I’ll just leave it, because I’m sure its just a harmless bite”

A few days later, the bite has gone away no more itching and swelling. But he starts to feel a cold settling in.

“Fuck I’ve got a sore throat and I think I have a fever coming down. I think I’ll just take some Panadol and rest up.”

This dumbass takes the Panadol and reassures himself that it’s only a cold while he sulks about not being able to stare into the wildlife and watch birds shit on each other. That faggot probably doesn’t know what the discovery channel is.

A few days later; he got fucked.

1. He is an A+ dumbass for not going to see a doctor after he got sick from a mozzie bite.

2. Slap that faggot in the face, he was in a 3^rd world country where malaria is a known problem. You shouldn’t be anywhere near 3^rd world countries unless you are a voluntary helper.

3. Slap that faggot in the face again, because he went to Africa for a holiday. Who the fuck would like to spend their holidays with 500 miles of desert and poverty. Not to mention the animals, the animals’ shit, and the stupid mosquitoes that killed him. Don’t you think you are an asshole when so many people from the 3^rd world country want to get out, and ironically you are going there for a “holiday”? How would the little bloated African boys from World Vision feel if they saw you. Its like saying “I wanna go to hell” in front of Bush when you are in heaven, fuck off asshole. Although saying it to Bush may be acceptable, depending on Jesus’ mood at the time I assume.

4. He’s just a faggot because he fucked your girlfriend.

5. Clearly he is wrong about it being a cold. Most people that experience malaria symptoms think that it’s a cold, and these are the assholes that normally die.

The guy that died from malaria probably didn’t know what killed him too. So next time you get told how another dumbass died from malaria, laugh. Laugh at the person that died, and also laugh at the person that told you if he showed any signs of pity. (Laugh really loud too, point at them for extra dramatic effect)

I personally think that malaria is shit. But what sucks even more are MOSQUITOES. They are ugly ass faggots too.

RSC - Fuck the Ocean

This fucking stinks.

So I'm sitting here, drinking my gin and tonic, watching that video. It almost made me choke on my lemon with laughter. And I looked at the beautiful bubbles, and the ice in my drink, and thanked the water treatment plants. I didn't thank the ocean, however.

You know what? It's just stinking shit (literally) like this, that proves we are dumbass shitcunts that have no clue. But you know what is the brunt of it all? Whales are from the Ocean. That big body of shit that covers roughly 70% of the Earth's surface. You fucking heard me - the earth is covered in 70% SHIT. 72% if you add in the Middle East. And if there's anyone reading this from the Middle East, please sort out your own fucking problems, or bomb me, because either way you're shit until you can be like Europe or something - that is, hating each other but no killing each other for years and years with no resolve. I mean COME ON, even the Armenian Genocide didn't last that long, and that's LONG FORGOT...I mean, OVER now. Seriously.

Getting back to the topic though, the ocean. It's deep, its totally the wrong colour (God was an absolute shitcunt who had no clue when it came to Hex codes), as it should be brown, for SHIT, it's undrinkable and there are these socialising places called beaches where old, disgusting fat people, or young, disgusting people made of silicon, like to spend their holidays underneath their umbrellas or having a dip. And I haven't even gotten to fucking surfers yet. Ok, fine, do you want to know what I think about surfers? You assholes that ride this wave that comes in for a while, and either bail off, or get back onto your board and wait for the next wave and you assholes that piss in your own wetsuits to say warm (haven't you realised that it's cold because you've been in the water for so fucking long waiting for that next wave?). CALIBUNGA, DUDES!

Ok then there's the animals that actually live inside the ocean. Like, what is this shit, jellyfish and squid and tentacles and other sick shit. What is this shit? And then there's fucking shipwrecks, and coral formations, it's like, the gayest parts of Disneyworld, but underwater, very salty, and with no Mickey Mouse.

The Cthulhu's gonna get you! But before he does, he's gonna have to choke in some salty shit, bump into some shipwrecks, and massacre a few fucking surfers.

Fuck the ocean.

Santana" - Shitty feelings. Literally.

I've always wanted to write a really really dirty post. Smelly and all, and something that EVERYONE could have a laugh reading, especially when they find that they too, have had a similar satisfaction themselves. So here is all the satisfactions, accomplishments and embarrassing moments that I can think of. ( I may not have experienced some) Feel free to comment and add to the list along with the name that you would like to be credited under if you feel that I have left something out. I may categorize and re-list the entire entry at a later date.

The list of strange feelings you may encounter.

1. "Realizing there is no toilet paper AFTER you finished doing your business"

First one on the list and the most obvious, I'm bloody sure that everyone has ran into a case of "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TOILET PAPER!". Whether you have just finished taking the dump or you realized it after you have taken off your pants and plumped onto the toilet, this sudden realization is a fucking bad one. If you are at a friends house? Even worse, believe me most friends will try and take advantage of your sudden vulnerability. Just wipe it with his fucking hand towels, if you're lucky he might even wipe his hands and find your hidden surprise.

2. "Long red streak marks on your thighs"

Not necessarily painful streak marks, but they are god damn annoying and they are usually associated with the next one on the list. This happens when you have rested your elbows on your thighs for a good 5 minutes plus, usually reading the newspaper or focusing on some other form of "during toilet entertainment" (e.g. PSPs, NDS, books, cell phone games, etc etc etc). Either that or you are constipated. In that case good luck on popping a forehead vein!

3. "Pins and needles"

You heard me, yeah pins and needles. A good buddy of Mr. Streak marks and they usually come to visit you in pairs. You are seldom let off from this annoying couple. Pins and needles render you powerless to even get up and run out of the stinking toilet. The occurrence of pins and needles also often leads to the growing awareness of the smelly cubicle you are in. What do you do? No choice really my friend, you'll have to wait it out., hold your breath or something.

4. "Thy wet poo poo"

Not only is the shit sloppy, but it leaves your ass extravagantly wet. This is the kind where even if you wipe your ass 20 times it still feels slimy.

5. "Spaghetti bolognaise. Without the spaghetti."

Awesome you have just dropped the A bomb in your toilet bowl. The mushroom cloud of piss, water and yellow brown liquid splashes up onto your butt cheeks. Usually the mixture is a pretty cold as well.

6. "Mr. Hankey looks corny"

Corn shit, this one is self explanatory.

7. "Burning anus, may be dipped with tomato sauce"

The jagged, rough and "bit too big" log causes a series of grazes and a massive burning sensation after passing through. Sometimes it is so hard that it even causes a rupture in the anus lining. This is when the tomato sauce is applied.

Got more that you would like to add? Comment or email!

RSC (guest blogger) - Response to Myspace

Okay to be fair, Santana is a very busy man, and since I've got the flu, I've decided to fill in for him. Recently an article from this fine website was posted on Myspace. That's right, land of hope and faggotory, pompous and circumstantially taken photos that do not reveal who the person actually is. Wonderful place, I love all the idiots that preside there.

Secondly, if your profile is set to private, and you are calling us pussies, "NUT UP" (Thanks, Jeff, from Austin Texas!)


"Jeff
Male
34 years old
AUSTIN, TEXAS
United States

Posted: 03 Aug 2007, 01:25:
Wow. Sounds like you're a loser. Nut up pussy."

Lets see what else Jeff from Austin has to say:

"I'm an Army brat and really enjoyed all the travel involved. Born in Kansas, but was only there a couple of months before moving on to Germany (4 1/2 yrs), San Antonio, TX (5 yrs), Ft. Devens, MA, (2 yrs), back to Germany - Wiesbaden for 2 yrs and then Stuttgart for 1 1/2, on to Concord, NH (3 yrs) and then off to college at Southwest Texas in San Marcos. I've been in Austin since about 1995 or so. Can't imagine being anywhere else!"

You seem like the jock type, Jeff. At 34 years old, do you sometimes regret the fact that you didn't pay any more attention at school, and ended up like the faggot in the shitcunt sunburned picture that adorns your profile? Or is it because you were jerked around so much and your father wasn't at home often?

Okay then Mr. Real Estate Appraiser/Bartender, I'm sure you treat all your clients the same way as Santana, which is why you can find all the time to spend on the lake doing sports. Fair enough. Perhaps I need to suggest you to "Nut down" - you are a plague to human society in general, and a living lie of what could've been a totally different person that made a better contribution to society. Well done. Oh and PS: Throw a football at your daughter, then tell her to nut up. Send any reaction received from this comment to our email address and I'll be happy to publish it.

"Ryan
Male
15 years old
I don't know what Togo is,
Togo
Posted: 03 Aug 2007, 06:14:
It's funny hearing you whine in that. It's also fine that you like tennis but that dosen't mean everyone else has to. You sound jealous throughout your whole article because you say what they have that you don't."

Hi Ryan, glad you find our EDITORIAL style of writing funny. By the way, as an internet citizen, you should realise that not knowing where something is isn't really much of an excuse anymore - so do run a Google search of Togo. You'll be surprised to find that there isn't such a city as "I don't know where Togo is" and the people of Togo probably don't like you talking like as if their country is insignificant.

"penaTREYtion
Male
17 years old
BOCO, Virginia
United States
Posted: 03 Aug 2007, 06:28:
i think hes just angry because hes not a jock and has no friends

hes probably a huge loser at his school"

"ass fuck logan logan" "ass fuck logan logan" "ass fuck logan logan"
Orientation: Straight
Orientation: Straight
Orientation: Straight

weird.

Hmm...what to say about you. What to say about you...Firstly, I don't know if it's a really elaborate jock inside joke (if there is such a thing), but Logan is a guy's name. So, are you saying you are a batty boy? Do you enjoy it up the batty?

Do you enjoy Forrest Gump because you are probably on the intellectual equivalent of Forrest Gump?

Do you pay attention in English class? Because your spelling and grammar is that of a 7-year old.

One more thing: "Income: $250,000 and Higher" - You are never going to achieve that. Ever.

So Mr Trey, enjoy your last few years at school. Once you are plunged into the real world, do remember to send me an email and I might consider fishing you out of the shit you will get yourself into if you are nice.

"Jeff...oh its you again..

Right well, let me finish my gin and tonic."

"I Eat Rice
Male
31 years old
Fountain Valley, California
United States
Posted: 03 Aug 2007, 16:35:
You forgot the different classification of sluts.

LOL @ Asians. That's why I had to play football, basketball and run track. Otherwise, I woulda be a virgin exiting HS."

Firstly your page is shit hard to read. But I did pick up the fact that theres some heart broken girl on there. I laughed. Sorry, but I laughed. Please do keep me patched on how it smoothes itself out, because I care.

Okay now I need to kindly you to LEARN TO READ.

FROM eataloser.blogspot.com: "If I had to put all the guys in my school into classes, here's what it would seem like."

GUYS. GUYS. Can't you differentiate between girls and guys? You put your Bachelor's Degree (in what?) majoring in Public Relations up both your boss and your wife's ass. Oh wait you're having girl problems. You don't have a wife.

"Ryan
From before"

"You do realize only one person used lol, dont you??? Do you really think you're that amazing because you have a website dedicated to yourself??? But we're the ones with no life, right??? You're the one who should mess with other people on what they type. Here's one of your sentences that shows how stupid you are. "Why do not you have a page on the internet about you asshole?" Go crawl back in your hole you nerdy, pathetic, emotional moron. It's okay, i'm sure your mommy is proud that her son is going to be the next 40 year old virgin."

Oh Ryan, why oh why did you have to degrade yourself like that. Your first post was just fine, and now, you think it's amazing because you have sentences that end in three question marks!!! Just like I think it's great to end sentences with three exclamation marks!!! By the way, 40 year old virgin, was a great film - please do not reference the title in an attempt to make an insult. You must be really happy that your precious time is being wasted. You could be wanking right now.

"I Eat Rice
From before"
"I haven't even bothered to click on your page.

But it is entertaining watching you make an ass out of yourself here."

AHHH, so that's why you have no fucking clue. Glad we're both being entertained.

"JohnnyBlaze
Male
22 years old
Spokane, Washington
United States
Posted: 03 Aug 2007, 19:03:
Someone got stuffed in a locker today."

We don't have lockers down here. That's because we hardly have a crime rate where we live. We don't have school shootings either. You're the reason why many American kids are being shot down in classrooms by their peers every single day. Be sure to train your future children (heavens forbid) to stuff their peers into lockers too.


"Ryan
From before"
You're pathetic and truly are making a ass of yourself. The only thing i've what you would call "ranting" about is the fact you would criticize the other guy for his choice of words when your grammer blows. Keep reaching though jackass, we'll see what dumbass move you make next."

Grammer? Hard. You think this is a two way game right? Not really, we're out to make you very very very pissed off, and by the look of your post, we've succeeded, beautifully.

"Alex
Male
16 years old
Buqbuq,
Egypt
Posted: 03 Aug 2007, 19:29:
FUCK OFF."

Are you genuinely pissed or are you just being a sheep. Don't be a sheep.


So there you have it, a collection of 5 shitcunts that we've made angry. The more the merrier. Keep it coming.

Any more hatemail, regarding this post, do send it straight to my "Eataloser" Gmail account: animal.porn@gmail.com, I love receiving your letters!

My next article will be out on Sunday.

RSC (guest blogger) - Types of people in HIGHSCHOOL 3rd post

[Santana" - my mate RSC just dropped by to do the 3rd article of my infamous "Types of people in HIGHSCHOOL" article ]

Before I start this, I do want to share with you a song I wrote the other day, to be sung to the tune of "Parklife" by Blur. It relates nicely to Santana's Jock article:

Confidence is a preference for the grouped together idiots collectively known as (jocklife!)
These idiots can be avoided if you take a route straight through the rugby field and avoid all the…(jocklife!)
Johns got most valuable player, he likes the old towel fight, and his team love a bit of it (jocklife!)
Who’s that in the middle? Mate you should cut down on your ego - get a reality check! (jocklife!)

Chorus:
All the people
So many people
And they all go hands on ass
Hands on ass in the scrum.......jocklife

Know what I mean?

I get up when I want, except on wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen. (jocklife!)
I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea, and I think about getting some groceries (jocklife!)
Sometimes I need someone to help me pack my groceries away
It gives me a sense of enormous well-being. (jocklife!)
And then Im happy for the rest of the day,
Safe in the knowledge there will always be a that idiot who played fullback in highschool there at the store, waiting for me to return.

Chorus

Jocklife - jocklife!
Jocklife - jocklife!
Its got nothing to do with your scrum technique, tries and lineouts you know
Jocklife - jocklife!
And its not about you sluts either who get passed round and round and round...
(kinda like the rugby ball really)
Jocklife - jocklife!


Actually, the old jocks thing ties in with the bunch of pompous nitwits that we can class as "THE RICH."

It's probably as ambiguous as being an executive producer of a hollywood film, but being rich isn't uncommon. However I think what Santana is trying to get at is the fact that some of these bastards love to show it, and the reflects on their attitude.

Most of the jocks are rich, I've been to their houses. They have nice places, nice cars, nice sisters (FUCK!), but somehow it makes me wonder, all these imbeciles are going to be brain damaged by the time they come out of school but why will it matter? A simple inheritance of their dad's plastics factory solves it all in the end.

I don't think they're that bad, really - I'm sure that they're gonna have, nice lives, a nice family, with nice kids, and they're gonna send those kids to nice schools. Whilst I fly overhead in my Learjet, of course, but hey, if this does ever happen, I'll have the confidence in knowing that it's all self made.

The thing about the rich is that their parents are probably living off fortunes or investments passed down as well. And you wonder why this shitty excuse for a country doesn't have a technology company. That's because apart from Auckland, everyone else is a livestock farmer, or a wine maker. Good sources of income, sure, nice to pass on to your kids, definitely, but for fucks sake new crop rotation methods, cattle in-breeding and rural broadband is not going to advance this country, whatever way you look at it.

Hmm...apart from driving this country into the Dark Ages...what other things do I hate about them...hmmm...

- Have you noticed that most of the sluts come from the rich? And have you noticed that if they don't wear excessive makeup, they might as well be on par with Lindsey Lohan's police photograph.

- Have you noticed that most of their social networking sites feature terrible spelling and profile photos of them getting completely boozed off their heads? I mean heck, I enjoy a gin and tonic now and then but seriously, firstly you are playing rugby, or having intense dry lesbian humping on camera, and now you are damaging your brains even more because of the continuous boozing every weekend? I swear, your parents are paying for you to be an imbecile for the rest of your life. - Oh well, in the back of your mind, you've got that family inheritance. Excellent.

- Have you realised that even though you may be wealthy, you will still be considered on mediocre to most people living OUTSIDE of this country? You do realise your fortune is nothing compared to ANYTHING overseas. And people still view New Zealanders as barbarians. It's true. Go to Las Vegas and ask any drunk bastard there where New Zealand is, and they will hook you in the face.

- You're all really fucking satisfied with yourselves.

- The current government hates you.

- Winston Peters is the king of Faggotory.

Fact is this people. This area is full of pompous rich bastards. New Zealand is also the only country in the world where the PSP outsells the Nintendo DS. Get the fucking picutre?





NB: I am pretty well off myself. However I dare you to contest me on any of the points that I've made through this blog today. My email address is for any hatemail you might wanna send is animal.porn@gmail.com - no joke.

Santana" - I hate fucking emos

I hate emos. What the fuck is an emo anyway? When I was typing this article up a bright red squiggly line appeared under the word "emo" and "emos". Honestly, I never thought that there would be a word so obsolete that even Microsoft (the most obsolete) couldn’t handle. I had to add to dictionary 4 times as my computer rejected the disgusting word being added to its data base.

I never understood fully what an 'emo' really is, but I can understand what people are talking about when they are referring to them. To me it was always like those things that I knew what it meant but I wouldn’t be able to put it into words beyond the "well…they cut their wrists?" level. But since I was finally going to write an article about those sub-humans, I decided to wiki that little phrase "emo". Here's what came up.

"most definitions of emo hold that an emo person is emotionally candid, sensitive, shy, introverted, glum, and quiet.[6] Depression and broken-heartedness are sometimes used to describe the emo personality. The factuality of broken-heartedness as a personality trait stems from the opinion that emo music contains multiple references to unrequited love, emotional and relationship problem." - Wikipedia

Translation: emos are a bunch of faggots that bitch all day about their shitty lives.

Emos are such bitches, honestly. What the fuck is their problem anyway, all they can do is to bitch and moan about how sad their lives are and how the world hates them. Well yea, the world does hate emos. Since when, even ONCE, have you seen a picture of mother nature nurturing a bunch of moaning sons of bitches with heavy make up and black eye liner on. Never, and it will never

happen because that shit is just wrong. If you really think that your life really is that shitty then go commit suicide, don’t do that pussy shit and cut your wrists. What's the point anyway, the fact that you are still alive obviously means that you need to cut deeper asshole. Don’t do it just to show off to your friends how you have cut lines into your arm, just cut deeper and do us all a favor. We don’t want to take anymore of your attention seeking bullshit, please no one cares.

Everything about emos are disgusting, their taste is too. Absolutely everything. I personally don’t think that cutting wrists and listening to tasteless mainstream music does any good to the society. I mean at least my bullshitting is providing entertainment and a medium for anger release to the public. End your damn life and stop consuming earths resources. The water you drink, the food you eat and the material used to make those shitty clothes you wear could actually be put to use to some 3rd world family.

Your life in exchange for 10 or possibly more lives. So fuck you and go commit suicide, and do it in a manly way.

People, just to protect you and your family from this bullshit I have drawn up a list of common traits of emos. So when you identify these suckers you can go up to them and give them a punch or two to warn them to stay away. If he/she fails to understand the message, permission for the usage of lethal force is granted.

1. Black dye damaged hair
2. Black items of clothing
3. Scar tissue on wrists
4. Long straight cut hair, not to mention their unhygienic fringes
5. They bitch a lot
6. Tight ass mother fucking jeans that hurt your nuts, but in an emo's case, they have no balls anyway.
7. Hints of rock music may be seen around suspect eg. CD's , iPods, queer posters.

Please beware of these bastards. Don’t get influenced by them, don’t become one of them or you will forever be doomed.

Santana" - The tooth fairy can fuck off and stop stealing my teeth.

When I was a kid, yea I was a kid once, my parents used to always tell me about a tooth fairy after I lost a tooth. I usually was too damn pissed off to care about that asshole fairy, I would be biting an apple or some shit and my tooth would have fallen out with the crunch. WHO EVER THE FUCK THAT TOLD ME IT WOULDN’T HURT IS A LIAR AND SHOULD BE SENT TO HELL ALONG WITH ME. Yea, it always hurt like a bitch. Sometimes I would shove my tiny hands into my mouth and twist that wiggling mother fucker out of its gap. That hurt too.

But yeah, my parents used to always try to con me into putting my tooth under the pillow in exchange for a 2 dollar coin or some shit. The gold coin lost its charm to me long before I knew how to change my baby teeth (Milk Teeth), I was into the solid 5 and 10 dollar notes back then. I didn’t like the tooth fairy, and neither should you. That son of a bitch is basically giving you 2 dollars for something that has been in your mouth for years, even the fillings should cost more than 2 dollars you cheap bastard.

I'm a collection freak I would either not collect something or if I did I would not stop until I collect the whole set. Hence my unwillingness to let the tooth fairy take away one of those little gems. But due to my parents constant nagging I deliberated an ingenious plan that Saturday night when I put my 2nd molar underneath my pillow : operation bust the fucking fairy in the jaw when he/she comes to take away my tooth. The out come? Here's vaguely

how it went.

8:30 - I put the tooth under my pillow and went to get ready to sleep

8:35 - I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth with "Colgate for kids" toothpaste on an awesome dinosaur toothbrush, also for kids.

8:37 - Finished brushing my teeth and whipped out my lizard and went for my before bedtime piss

8:40 - Went out into my lounge and told my parents I had finally given in and put my tooth underneath the pillow.

8:45 - Set up a door trap (my bed lamp's head slightly obstructing the door's pathway)

8:46 - I was in bed pretending to be soundly asleep (I'm a pretty cunning fuck when I was a kid as you can see)

8:55 - Still up and running, full of energy to kick that fairy's ass

9:00 - I fell asleep

Sometime around 11:30 - A small shifting sound of the bed lamp has awoken the sleeping devil, a dim corridor light spilled into the room projecting a dark silhouette onto the wall.

FUCK I was damn exited at that time, although slightly sleepy I was still eager to snap that stealthy cunt.

11:31 - I hooked my mum in the face.

The 2 dollar coin went rolling on the floor and made a sharp noise as it hit the metallic chair leg…..

[Dramatic pause]

I seriously didn’t know what to say at that time, I fully believed that the tooth fairy existed I had a mixture of feelings inside my stomach but fear was the biggest one. My mum being the fully agro bitch she is, put me in a headlock and escorted me to the living room and fully fucked me up (verbally, with no swear words) along with my heartless dad. What monsters the tooth fairies were.

Epilogue : Sadly up until now, the perfect set of my baby teeth is still missing 2 molars. 1 from that night and 1 I possibly swallowed along with bite of apple I ate. Man I hate teeth.

….and fucking tooth fairies.

Santana" - Type of people in HIGHSCHOOL 2nd post

This post will mainly be focused on the "Sports Nubs" category.

The Sport Nubs

Not all jocks are seen as 'cool' or 'popular'. Some are just plain asswipes that want to be up the top with the popular guys but obviously they are not, some people call them 'the Try Hards'. Here are some of the reasons why these assholes don’t qualify.

1. They are the rejects to the 'rep' teams in school
2. They are not as good looking
3. They are insecure about their small dicks (I'm not saying that jocks have big dicks, just that they are usually too brain damaged to realize)
4. They are not brain damaged enough
5. They are not disruptive enough in class
6. They are not ___________ ( you can fill this one in)

I laugh at these neglected people, they cant even make it into a category that sucks so much. Its like failing to fail. . .I do not even know how these people can suck so much. I think that they need to consider what this link suggests.

But hey, wait a minute, these guys failed to fail, so what pussy do they get? Not a problem, nature always kicks in with a system you cant go against- the food chain. They cant get the food at the top of the chain? Move down a notch to the 2nd grade girls.

But have you ever thought about how these girls are actually thinking the same thing as you are you thick head? This is probably what the girl was thinking just before the night that she sucked your dick when you asked her out.

"omg, I cnt gt my 'ins' with dat hott azzz guy. Omgsh! Wt am I gonna du? Oh w8 therz alwayez da 2nd grade guys owt der"

Yea loser, you just got used. Can we laugh now? Its so satisfying when you watch these guys hang out with their 2nd grade girls as 2nd grade people, they never think how their secret would be revealed. Would you still look at them and their new girlfriend in the same way as before?

Oh yea, and why the fuck do you always carry around that ________ (rugby, soccer, basket) ball of yours? Are you an asshole? I don’t have anything against people playing a sport, just go out there and play the game! What are you doing carrying that stupid ball of yours around? Is it to compensate for the small penis or the lack of self esteem you have because you are not in a 'rep' team? Ok great you have a basket ball, what else does that tell us jackass? Or are you actually trying to tell us you are one? Holding a ball doesn't make you any better at the game or improve your skills.

Just cut the bullshit and stop trying to be cool asshole.

Santana" - Types of people in HIGHSCHOOL

Hey guys I've always been pissed, actually excessively pissed over the hierarchy at my high school. I have always wondered whether other high schools are the same Please give me a comment after you have read my post to tell me if your high school is like that too.

If I had to put all the guys in my school into classes, here's what it would seem like.

[Nb: the top of the hierarchy obviously is the top of the food chain, there are also outliers that I fail to categorize into the social hierarchy, these are in a separate group at the end.]

For the guys :

-the Jocks

-the Sports nubs

-the Rich

-the "Good looking"

-the Average people

-the Randoms

-the Nerds

-the Book nerds

-SPECIAL NEEDS

Outliers:

-the Asians

- ^^ Me

Explanation and wider context to these social classes:

The Jocks, also known as The Sports Jocks

If you happen to be one of them and you are reading this site, then please click the 'x' on the top right of your browser. Turn off your computer then format your hard drive with a powerful fridge magnet. Oh wait, is that too much for you to handle? Well the translation of that is : FUCK OFF PLEASE

I get asked this question quite often. Do you not like high school jocks Santana" ?

Actually no, I quite like them. The make sure that my fast food gets delivered as soon as possible. Oh yea and they always pack my groceries for me when I go to the supermarket. Yea so overall they are quite helpful.

Well anyway, The Jocks. Everyone knows who they are, they are the faggots that play sport for a 'rep' team at school and everyone seems to be so fond of. I used to be a tennis player, I played for senior A team when I was only in junior school. But I never got acknowledged at all. My school never cared about tennis or any other sport that lied outside the domain of cricket, rugby, soccer, and hockey. What do those bastards want? Not like I did any less to contribute to the school's sport reputation as those guys did. Tennis players, swimmers, squash players, bikers and everyone else that don’t play those selected sports work so hard… to get neglected. No one gave a shit about us.

These Jocks are the faggots that get to get off class early and get all the pussy because they play ball all day just to get brain damage. Don’t they realize that NOBODY GIVES A SHIT about high school sports in the real world? What is "1st 15 Rugby team" going to tell an employer apart from the fact that you probably have brain damage and other serious life threatening conditions I call "dumbass" and "idiot".

Santana" why do these bitches get all the pussy at your school? Are the girls really fucked up?

Well yea, well said. Girls at my school have problems too, there are too many mudd girls at my school. Dunno what mud means? Visit this site to see a picture of an example of what the majority of girls at my school are like. [WARNING : contains offensive content. R18] The few fit girls at my school are either really snobby or . . . .actually I can go on about this one for ages. Wait for another post on this

Some of you must be thinking that I'm jelous and I'm just bullshitting because of that. But no!

High school Jocks think they are really cool but they do the fucking most dickless shit you will ever see just read my friend RSC's guest article to find out more.

These idiots just don’t get it.

Check my next article to read up on the second definition to my social hierarchy classification. Links will be posted soon. Bookmark and check often!

RSC (guest blogger) - You and I practice in faggotory every single day.

Ok good as, my name is RSC. A lot of you might wanna call me that some time. That is, Random Shit Cunt. I'll be posting here from time to time...a guest writer if you will, because I don't have the time to talk about Windsor Castle, Kylie Minogue sexy time kitsets, and nae fucking quiche recipies with the two assholes that run this site.

Assholes and faggotory. You should realise right now that you and I both practice in faggotory and assholism (wtf is assholism anyway. I don't know but my English teacher should get an honourary doctorate for assholism) every single day. For example - that guy you cut off this morning without looking back to see if he was there? He called you an asshole, or a faggot. And he was some fucking christian moron, he would've thought about calling you asshole, or faggot, and Jesus would've stopped them - fair enough. "I didn't do that RSC you shitcunt, I'm the most exemplar driver you will ever meet in your life." Bullshit. If I take a litre of petrol inside every single person's fuel tank down my entire street for every traffic felony they commit every single day, I could run my car without ever having to go to fill up.

[No one is a good driver, even if you are an Asian you are not a good driver.

Some months ago a friend of mine, a really stupid friend told me that "he does not carry the Asian driver gene". The next day, he crashed. He is a fucking asshole and we call him Kevin - Santana" Fucking friends article]

"But you're being a faggot right now?" - EXACTLY. You dumbass, if you are asking this question as you are skim reading this article, you need to learn to read more attentively. If you are asking this question as you are carefully reading this article - you need to learn to remember the topic. For those nitwits who don't remember - here it is again: YOU AND I PRACTICE IN FAGGOTORY EVERY SINGLE DAY. That means me as well. I'm paying my part to faggotory right now by writing this article, what more could you want.

Is it possible that some people can be more a faggot than others? Yes, perhaps. Here's two of ma' faves, just to give you a taste of "World Faggotory":

--

Sport Jock Faggots: Today I saw this guy, and he saw me, seemed like the sports jock fag type to me. All his friends were around him and he said hello to me. SO I said hello back. All his friends then cracked up. Great fucking achievement, dumbasses. But the great thing was I saw him again later and HE DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING in front of some other buddies. This time I had to stop. So I did, and I said "Hi man, nice to see you again, how was your weekend?" He was silent, the look on his face screamed to me that he was bewildered in my sudden adoption of assholism. I added the obligatory "YEAH BOIII" making the girl standing next to him laugh (probably at me but damn he must've felt totally awkward). What the fuck does this prove? Simple really, people who deliver faggotory and assholism on a regular basis cannot handle other people's faggotory and assholism. What a shame. Maybe I should've shared with him one of my quiche recipes but thats beside the point.

--

--

Journalists that have NO FUCKING CLUE: Bear with me for a second. The other day I was on www.stuff.co.nz - in my opinion this is one of the greatest news websites in New Zealand - less clunkier than YahooXtra, and less complicated than NZ Herald online.

Note that I have to add, having absolutely no clue at all, or generally having no clue definitely counts as faggotory. If you don't agree with that, fuck yourself. This next section deals with the utter need for people to GET A CLUE.

This is when I happened to have stumbled across "Reuben Schwarz's Cool Kit Blog." This is a gadget blog. I love them, needless to say theres some real gems posted on this blog, but this one: http://www.stuff.co.nz/blogs/coolkit/2007/07/16/most-hated-gadgets/ - really killed it for me. He reponds to an earlier article posted on Stuff about "Most hated gadgets" - a British survey which proves once again my point of the fact that the world practices in faggotroy. Because at position two of the very official (sounding), DailyMail, most hated gadgets....THE BALL MOUSE. Oh please, the ball mouse paved the way for the current Optical and Laser mouse technologies. So I don't know about you Britain, but I'm going to hail the ball mouse as revolutionary instead of slagging it off. And by the way, faggots, optical mice are now about the same price as buying KFC for two. So please oh fucking please - even though you are bound to practice in some faggotory every day, you can at least try to limit your faggotory output.

Anyway, why don't we find out why this guy has NO FUCKING CLUE. Except for his number one complaint, DRM....this list is textbook faggotory.

"1) Car alarms. Damn them. Damn them to hell. There, I said it. It’s noise pollution and I don’t think they actually make any car safer anymore because everyone just ignores them."

Okay, I'm sure I haven't heard a fucking car alarm in at least a month. Where do you live? Otar....actually no let's not talk about Auckland crime today. No, definitely not - that'll take a few years to recount so fuck it, more on that at a later stage. FYI most modern car alarms do actually come inbuilt and are bundled with IMMOBILIZERS. Get a clue.

"2) Predictive text on mobiles. I can’t count how many times people have asked me to turn off predictive text on their phone, and it seems like every mobile does it slightly differently. It’s damn irritating. Why do the mobile makers put this on by default? Does anyone out there actually use it?"

BZZZT NEGATIVE! When I got my Motorola V3x (a fine, researched purchase), predictive text was switched OFF by default. When my friend got his Nokia, predictive text was switched OFF by default. When my mother got HER Nokia, predictive text was switched OFF by default. When my friend got his iPhone...no I don't have any friends with an iPhone, because I don't happen to have shitcunt fanboys/girls for friends (even though I am one myself...but who can ignore life's guilty pleasures). Get a clue.

"3) Ringtones. That Nokia one (Do do do do, do do do do, do do do do doooo) gets under my skin like nails on a chalkboard, but it beats T-Pain or Christina Aguilera (or worse, Hilary Duff or the Crazy Frog) any day of the week."

Firstly, WHAT THE FUCK IS Do do do do, do do do do, do do do do doooo. For your information, it is "Jangalanglang Jangalanglang Jangalanglanglaaaaaaaaaaaang." Or for people who don't have polyphonic it is "Dee Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee Deeeeeeeeeeee." - I never heard of "Do do do do" anywhere. And I hear this ringtone a lot. Ok so mister, "I hate ringtones" - you need to realise, that you are writing a tech blog. You probably have a lot of these tech gadgets. If you were to say you didn't have a fucking ringtone on your cellphone, I would expect you to either miss ALL of your calls, or you to enjoy vibrations. Or you don't understand self expression. If the person likes Hilary Duff or Crazy Frog, let them be. At least they're getting called. That means they have people that like them. Why aren't you getting called. Oh yea thats right - because you don't have a clue. Get a clue.

"4) Microsoft error messages. It’s real nice that my computer tells me what went wrong, but “Error 38756: Could not access widget file” doesn’t really help most people figure out why their computer won’t connect to the Internet today."

Well fuck me you're computer illiterate too. Where the hell did you land your job?

That's it. I quite enjoyed some of the comments...especially this one (it relates to the 4th item on the list, just so you know):

"Also note that most people know that Google exists these days and can copy+paste an error message into it and come up with the solution almost instantly - it’s something that we’ve been told to do for years now. What’s more, most error messages typed into Google lead you to a site on the Microsoft Knowledge Base (http://support.microsoft.com/), which is written in plain English and is a helpful resource for any Windows Error message one can encounter."

Thanks Michael Smith. You did your country a great service.

OH but wait a second. Paul Wilson agrees with the ol' predictive text statement:

"I agree with predictive text, every time I buy a new mobile it’s the very first thing I do - anybody who uses it shouldn’t have a piece of technology so sophisticated as a cell phone."

First off - the cellphone is a very simple piece of technology. Just like the radio is a very simple piece of technology. Note that we've also had typewriters for a very long time. You should've just gone on and said "People that can't spell shouldn't own a typewriter" - Heck it would've saved you a bit of time and you would've still ended up sounding like an asshat. Congratulations Paul Wilson. You've completed your round of faggotory for today.

That's all I gotta say about that. I hope you take this into heart and lower your daily faggotory/assholism output.

-RSC

Santana" - Would you and your friends happen to hate their father?

If you do not like this site or any of the articles posted, and would like to make a formal complaint, please type up a short message on this site

The weather wasn’t that great, me and another friend Tom was sitting outside his house having a smoke as his dad pulled up coming back from the local shooting range. He walks up to us and starts bragging about how much of an asshole he is, actually that’s what It seemed like, but he was actually trying to recount how he won the shooting competition out of 6 people. (me and Tom don’t really like him, Ill try explaining later in another entry but just picture this, a 50 year old man that has been sitting down to take a piss since he was born. That’s the impression he gives, and probably isn't far from the truth of the matter. I'd just also like to add that IF YOU ARE A GUY AND YOU SIT DOWN AND TO TAKE A PISS, YOU ARE ACUTALLY A GIRL YOUR MOTHER HAS LIED TO YOU AND SHOULD GET YOUR ENLARGED CLITORIS REMOVED)

Now let me get this clear, he wasn’t a finalist amongst 6, there were just 6 people participating in this tournament. And he won. The conversation went somewhat like this.

Dumbass "phew, that was awesome I just kicked ass in this shooting championship"

Me "oh yeah, how was it" (clearly not giving a shit about what he's saying)

Dumbass "it was awesome"

Me " okay….(long pause) did you win anything?"

Dumbass 'yeah look I won this awesome peanut slab"

I wasn’t sure that I had heard the right thing so I decided it was safer to reconfirm in case I had any hearing defects that I wasn't sure of.

Me " A what?"

Dumbass "a peanut slab, son"

I was right.

Tom (starting to laugh already) "you're an idiot are you sure you got the right prize?"

Dumbass(clearly not getting the message) " no its a peanut slab, here check it out"

Our friend dumbass over here whips out a full on chocolate bar infront of me and my friends eyes, we just couldn’t hold it in! I know it sounds terrible to you pussies out there, but I just fully cracked up in front of that bald fat man. Proudly pointing at him and watering my face with laughing tears.

Why don't you leave me a comment or send me an email if you think I'm an asshole. If not use this complaints site here

Santana" - THERE WAS AN INVASION! 2885 days ago

I have always hated Microsoft word. Want to know why?

Once upon a time(2885 days ago when I was 8 and a bit), I was firing up my PC to jot down random thoughts I had coming into my mind onto a shitty word processor by the name (can you guess?) “Microsoft Word”, and being not much of a programmer or a computer geek I did not realize any abnormalities in this foul software at first. By a glance of the eye everyone was fooled to think that this is just another buggy piece of shit program Microsoft released. For me this bugger always caused an error message and froze my computer. I hated computer freezes. Everything about them sucked. I would try moving my mouse around in frustrated strokes not seeing the actual cursor move. My only friend on Windows, Mr. task manager called “cntrl-alt-del” would never summon at these times, I knew better than to spam those 3 buttons in anger to try and get his attention. (Learning from previous lessons that the consequences for breaking the keyboard was quite severe in my household) I then quickly came to believe that every time he failed to summon he was fighting the ugly monster boss ‘Windows 98’ behind my monitor. (I still do now it’s just that the monster now is a higher level boss called ‘Windows XP’)

My computer has finally booted and I am now at my desktop with my cursor floating over the icon of the bewitched program.

10 seconds later: I was afraid. Trembling at the thought of the error message and still reluctant to executed word, I considered shutting down my computer and formatting my hard drive with a strong fridge magnet I had in my hand at the time.

30 seconds later: I scan around the room for note taking alternatives.

45 seconds later: Pen and paper spotted at the corner of room just out of my finger’s reach. Although office stationary rarely upset me and never talk back with stupid error messages, I am still not pleased at the idea of removing my ass from my chair.

1 minute later: I remember I had Norton Antivirus installed after consulting advice from a friend after the last crash. I was no longer afraid.

[Note: Hey come on, I was 8 or 9 back then how the fuck was I supposed to know that Norton Antivirus IS a virus???]

1 minute and some seconds later: Word started up.

I was naive and thought in simple logic like a little kid should. I thought Mr. Paperclip being the annoying asshole he is, should be detected as a virus and removed from my computer.

I was wrong. That mother fucker just popped right out at me. I was angry.

After issuing Mr. Paperclip with my “fuck off” command, I went back to work

But no matter how many times I told that asshole to fuck off, he never did. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE WANT FROM ME.

Although just an ordinary seeming word processor I realized that underlying, it displayed hints of an ingenious scheme of world domination. . . . a world where Racism is encouraged, and where Mr. Paperclip rule as the supreme governor secretly controlled by his ingenious creator Sir Bill Gates and disease carrier Dame Microsoft Word. I understand that this information may be overwhelming to some people but behold fellas, this is what happens to anything that tries to go against me. Only I'm allowed to dominate the world.

Santana" - Vegan assholes suck my cucumber.

Solid dog turd sun dried and re-moisturized after boiling with manager's piss for 3 hours. (they call it vegan MEAT roll. . .what the fuck is a vegan MEAT roll. I'll let u guys decide whats wrong with that phrase)

Yeah that vegan IS shit.

Guess what, my bullshit alarm just went off and nearly busted my mum's ear. All thanks to this fucking website I saw just then. Its name? Can you guess? Yeah you're probably right it's called:

Yeah that vegan **** <-----------Loser Do you want to know why this site sucks? I nearly had a stroke when I first entered into such fine and thorough bullshit. My eyes could not understand why they had to look at such an obsolete website. They could not understand why I was doing this to them. They responded to me with a strong stinging pain, just to say "fuck you Santana". Reasons why this shit sucks: (please read on, I risked my eyes going blind and spent a god 5 mins of my life on that site, show some sympathy u animals)

1. The site was filled with pussy language like sh*t, f--k, f-ing. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? As if writing F-ING would be less offensive to someone as to FUCKING? I mean why say bull crap or bull sh*t instead of bullshit? Everyone knows what you're on about so just cut the pussy shit and write like a man you vegan asshole.
2. Underneath the blog title it had a stupid motto of "Vegan recipes that will make you
   scream with unbridled pleasure". Such exotic language on vegan bullshit cooked from avocado and horse piss. Not many people I know will " scream with unbridled pleasure" after eating a specific type of food. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT ALL TASTES LIKE SHIT! You vegan bastards are queer, creaming your pants over a plant.
3. Look at the dog shit they eat

Egg plant curry with egg plant skin

Maddox is right, you vegans out there really deserve to be shot. So from today onwards I am going to adopt a new system to fight this vegan bullshit. The policy is called "for every animal you dont eat, I will eat 3" proudly extracted from "the best page in the universe"

Nullify the vegetarian moral crusade:



"I rock sox, and vegans suck cox" - Santana"

Sangheili - YOU’RE UGLY

I was listening to some guys and some girl moaning about how they don’t have a partner or gf/bf some other days… they gone VERY far some even went to how the society decline and shit. Shut the hell up! It is fucking simple why you don’t have a girl friend or boy friend. YOU’RE UGLY. It is amazing how people can’t take this fact. Some fags go about how personality counts and shit, well that’s after you are at least acceptable looking to someone in the first place, if not the usual ‘fuck off please’ warning will be issued’

There is this dating doctor online who claims he can help anyone to find a date. Here some tips that will help you get every single date that you want.

1.Get a pretty face

2.Get a pretty face

3.Get a pretty face

4.Get a pretty face

5.Get a pretty face

Now ring up a plastic surgeon or go to hell.

Santana" - Who the fuck we are.

Two assholes meet the world.

I am Santana.
Webmaster's note: Fuck you if you don't like this site. What you can do? Yes you go eat some soggy condom.

I live in New Zealand. A little island which is, from as low as 700 Kms below sea level to as high as 700 above and everything within viewable distance from all costal areas, constructed from Earth’s finest bullshit. Long forgotten by everyone in this world with a life except from award winning director Peter Jackass (Peter Jackson is his name but I’m sure he was formerly Mr. Jackass) and his shitty Lord of The Rings trilogy. Bored as a fuck I decided to do something similar to Maddox after finding out and reading his ass-kicking site. But off course in a sense a little different, or I would be announced as a plagiarizer and sent to hell along with Tucker Max.

After writing for a bit i called up my friend for a chat and realized that HE was also doing the same thing. So here we are now writing a whole bowl of shit ready to be served to someone with the guts to read it.

For you winners out there that don’t know who the fuck Maddox is. You all blow ass-lube, I mean how the fuck do you not know such an awesome site that has millions of hits probably every day?

You guys are not even as popular or as “hip” as a 14 year old computer geek. Yes even they know about Maddox sucker. Learn to use Google or Wikipedia don’t ask stupid questions.

I’m not saying that just because a site has tons of views every day it gives them an automatic license not to be shit, but lets face it, how many shitty sites out there are getting millions of hits. His site is simplistic and will not only kick-your-ass but will also do it in 8 different flavors.

Lukewarm apple custard – wankers that want to or have already ordered an iphone

Curry and Vinegar – cripples that try to make (/scam) a living for some stupid accident they had

Sour milk with cheese cornflakes – people that have kids

Sour milk with cheese corn chips – loud, obnoxious, ignorant kids in general

Pickled Cherries – Suckers that like MTV

Diluted cordial – Pussies

Avocado orange pie - uber hax0rs that suck at computer games (AOL users in particular)

Shit - ORBITZ

"I rock sox and u suck cox" - Santana"